Caverns

'Caverns' is the latest video I uploaded onto my YouTube channel. It's a very slow moving and emotionally driven song, and it really compares to 'My Heart Sings' in terms of its genesis. 

I wrote it out of a place of feeling empty. I was missing something, and found myself with my head over my shoulder looking backwards for something I lost that I no longer have or need. It was the sort of occurrence that a listen to 'Miss Amnesiac' would have alerted me to "...remind me to keep my gaze ahead."

But nevertheless, there I was feeling a bit down and remorseful. And as was the case with 'My Heart Sings', particularly the section "My hope never escaped, my heart was never broken. Those days have departed they're gone. That's what I must believe as I sing this song..." I had to sing from a place of unbelief in order to believe the truth once more. 

That logic (or lack of) may sound confusing. So I'll just explain a bit more. The point I had reached in that moment of feeling at a loss, was not something I got over and decided to write a song about having made my way out of it. I picked up my guitar thinking. 'Okay... I need to lose this feeling... What should I be thinking and feeling? What is the truth in this situation?'

So I began singing and out of my mouth popped the first line, "At a loss, but I'm not losing." Immediately I stopped singing and playing and thought 'Woah.. hold on. I am losing! I feel awful.' But then I wrestled with myself a bit and sang it again. And as I sang that first line a few more times I had the word 'caverns' on the tip of my tongue. I knew that I was feeling completely hollow and needed filling with something (God) other than the feeling of loss. So gradually the rest of the verses emerged from there pretty quickly. 

The chorus lyrics were, again, another natural process of me just having a tune in my head, and singing whatever came to mind. I love the idea in the bible that is found in Zephaniah (3:17) where it is said of God that:

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing."

With that idea at the back of my mind it occurred to me that God's singing over me could bring me peace and healing. And having found the first line of this song come out of nowhere, I really felt as though God was giving me the words to sing and was, somewhat mysteriously, singing to me.

With this song-blog I really wanted to give you an insight into how exactly this song-writing process elapsed. It doesn't always happen this way, but with this song it really was a case of picking up my guitar in a moment of hopelessness, and singing my way out of it with God's voice resounding in unison with each line that I professed.


Lyrics:


At a loss 
But I'm not losing
All of this emptiness
Caverns of sentiment

Revealing how little
You were a part of me
All of this grief I feel
Caverns for you to fill

At a loss, but I hear your voice
Resounding through this heart
My fears are quenched and stilled

You're singing me to peace
You're singing me home
You're singing me to life
That I had not known

You're taking what was dead
And giving me hope
At a loss to how you do it
Caverns turned to dust

Followers

Last night I Tweeted something, as I often do, and when I checked back the next morning I noticed my number of 'followers' had dropped substantially. Now, I'm not the sort of person to keep score of my followers on Twitter and shed a tear or celebrate as the count fluctuates. What really got my attention was the nature of the said tweet and its effect! So here's a blog about this little occurrence :)

The tweet:

However, today was amazing!! I've never been at such an electric event. Atmosphere bursting with God's presence. #wcconf

The hash tag refers to the conference I had been to this weekend. It's an event that sees Christian worship leaders from around the world meet together and receive teaching, encouragement and blessing from a team based here in London. This year's event was amazing and I really did experience all of the above!

But to put this into context, the majority of followers I have on Twitter are people who have discovered me through my second greatest passion: music. And I'm so thankful for their support! It always astounds me. But having lost followers because of a 'faith related' post (my greatest passion), I was disappointed by my own reaction. My initial thought was, 'Maybe I should avoid posts like that in future... It's self-defeating to make people dislike you and stop listening to your music as a consequence. Keep followers and listeners - and avoid God tweets.'

It wasn't long before I despaired at my own reasoning! As much as I want to reach as many people who will listen, I also need to show people the real me. My ambition for my YouTube channel has been to write honest songs full of life experience, and to write from the heart without holding back (As my blog 'My Heart Sings' explains). To then act upon different principles to the same audience on a different social platform really would be defeatist! 

I love everyone who reads these blogs, watches my videos, keeps up to date with my Facebook page and follows me on Twitter. I know there are people in that group who probably read a tweet like the one above and think 'Okayyyy o.O That's a bit weird...' and despite this, stick with me through the rest of the time when I may appear more normal. To all of you who can recognise yourself as one of those devoted individuals - it's an honour to have your support. 

Final thoughts? I can't be prepared to compromise creatively, personally or spiritually and still aspire to excellence. I hope to stick by that belief from now on; even when the doubts appear and statistical milestones vie for my attention!

Behind Closed Doors

The 6th song that I've uploaded on to YouTube since the journey began back in June this year is 'Behind Closed Doors'. I'll firstly admit that I sang the song a key too high (capo blunder) so apologies for the squeakiness! 

But this blog is really about the lyrics. So here's a little insight in to the thinking behind them.

This song grew out of my realisation that a lot of the time I go to worship God, I'm drawn to do so by the desire to 'feel good' or get a motivational boost that will carry me through to the following Sunday. This feeling is summed up in the second part of the first verse when I say, "To see that smile and feel my feet lift off the ground. I want this day to be just like no other." It's great to get a lift and pick-me-up on a Sunday, but if that is the only day we set apart and devote to God, what happens throughout the rest of the week?

The chorus of this song describes what can happen if I see church as the moment of escape I can have with God. I can start to believe that he is only close to me in that particular building, with that particular music and that particular group of people. So when I go home and 'back to reality' I slip in to bad habits that I think God somehow won't notice. "A different world, some other sound; if only you could see me now. Not making efforts any more, behind closed doors."

The second verse introduces the key message I'd like to put across in this song. "You're always holding out a gift, that always gives my heart a lift..." This again, refers to the wonderful blessings I can go to receive on a Sunday that I then mistakenly leave behind at church. I go expecting him to give me the best of himself while I get the benefit of it. Yes I go to worship him, but if the outcome of me being rewarded is at the forefront of my mind then ultimately God isn't at the forefront of my mind!

This is where the next line comes in, "But if I walk away and I'm not changed; changed enough to change my ways, no fruit will ever come of our encounters." Fruit is a metaphor used in the Bible to describe the beauty and Godliness of our whole lives - not just our Sunday outfits. When suggesting how Christians will be recognisable in the world, Jesus said, "By their fruit you will know them..." (Matt. 7:16). The fruits of the Spirit, I would dare to say, are the least popular and least desired gifts from God. We all long to have gifts of the Spirit such as the gift of tongues, prophecy and healing. But Jesus calls us His own when he witnesses the fruit that comes out of our every day lives. The fruits are attributes such as patience, gentleness, self-control, kindness and goodness. 

"I can't lock this feeling out: Maybe there's more than what's in it for me." This line in the bridge is the essence of the realisation I came to before writing this song. My relationship with God isn't about what I can get out of it - although God has so much he wants to give me and is giving me. The gifts he has to give us are wonderful and should be desired by everyone! But if our fruit does not match that which Jesus describes, then the transformation of our character isn't occurring - and that's what really makes us Christ-like! God will go to great lengths to awaken us to this truth, which is something I learnt fairly recently. 

I know that for a lengthy period in my life I was living in disobedience with God and was neglecting my character and goodness. But in that time I still received the gifts of the Spirit. I spoke in tongues for the first time, I received words and pictures from God and people would be blessed while I led them into worship. But God saw my heart and knew that no fruit was coming of our relationship. So he slammed on the breaks. And I then learnt that if God was going to use me in a mighty way for a life-long  ministry, I needed to bring my character in line with his. 


His gifts he is always ready to give me when I seek them - but the fruits of his Spirit require a response and attitude from within my heart and an integrity to live a life that honours my Creator. I've learnt that when you let God in to the whole of your life, you start to experience a different, better, more alive world, "Now you are here."

Lyrics

When you I meet, fixed day, fixed street

Fixed appearances my attempt to please you

To see that smile, and feel my feet lift off the ground

I want this day to be just like no other

But as we draw to a close

I head back to reality

When I think your back is turned...

A different world, some other sound

If only you could see me now

Not making efforts any more, 

Behind closed doors

No second thoughts to what I say

No time to throw these thoughts away

You know I would... (If you were here.)

You're always holding out a gift

That always gives my heart a lift

That's why I'm always on my best behaviour

But if I walk away and I'm not changed

Changed enough to change my ways

No fruit will ever come of our encounters

It's in the little things, In everything I do

When I think your back is turned

What you can't see won't hurt you

Knock, knock echoes out

I can't lock this feeling out

Maybe there's more than what's in it for me

Knock, knock ringing in my ears

Each time I go to disappear

And shut you out time after time

You want to pull me out, You want to rescue me

So I can walk with you, so openly

No hidden corners no, No secret hideaways

Unless you're here with me, I'm going to turn the key

A different world, some other sound

I know that you can see me now

Nothing is hidden anymore

Behind closed doors

A second thought to what I say

Some time to throw these thoughts away

I know I should... Now you are here

Irreversible

It's October already! Wow this year has flown by. I find each year of my life seems to go by more quickly than the previous year. I think that's part of growing older though. In the lead up to each birthday the increasing lack of excitement matches the increasing number of digits in my age! Gosh I'm saying this when I'm 22 going on 23.. imagine what I'll be saying when I'm 39 going on 40..!!


This blog is about a word I came across while writing my recent masters dissertation. This was a beast of an assignment, but even in the most exhausting of moments, something would catch my attention and take me by surprise. On one occasion the term 'irreversibility' came up. Now of course my first thought was "Hmm so something can't reverse backwards.." but I realised this definition probably wasn't going to cut it! 


So after a bit of searching around I soon discovered that it was related to the word 'immortality'. Slightly more interesting! Irreversibility is amazing. Believe me. How does it work and why should you be interested? I'll do my best to explain!


So firstly I'll relate it to my life. All of my life I have been growing and developing as a person. I've learnt lessons, I've learnt skills. I've changed physically, I've changed emotionally. A lot of great things have happened to me; some challenges have come my way. Life has sometimes been easy; other times it has been a struggle. But despite all of these things, I've always had the sense that I'm going somewhere. I think most people, whether they believe in an afterlife or not, live their lives feeling as though they are on a journey and heading towards a finishing post of some kind - growing as a person a long the way.


So, irreversibility essentially means that as we progress through life, we really do constantly progress. There's no digression. We're constantly changing. It relates to immortality in the sense that, we can't degenerate and having become full of life gradually start losing that life and start heading downhill. 


                                              We don't have a reverse gear!

As usual, I started thinking about what this means in terms of my relationship with God :)


This is the amazing bit. When I feel like I've stuffed up and made a mess of things, or maybe I've gone through a really hard time and I feel really weakened by it all - none of this sets me back. Say I make a mistake, and then I come to God and he tells me everything's okay and shows me how to move on, I'll feel as if I've taken a step forward. But then I make the same mistake again... and I feel as though I need to take 2 steps back and return to the place I was before. Well, that is not what happens. I can carry on where I left off! My relationship doesn't go on pause while I sort myself out, or rewind back with God saying "Now, we've been here before." I'm always experiencing new things, facing new challenges, but being transformed constantly every brand new second of every brand new day into the person God created me to be.


A guy called Paul described his life's journey with God in this way:


But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 3:14)

There are always greater things ahead, and we're never at a point where God can't move us on in Him. There's never anything we go through that God can't use to make us more like Him. 

But we all, with unveiled faces, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit. (2 Cor. 3:18)

Eye To Eye

I wrote 'Eye To Eye' with the intention of writing something a bit more upbeat than my previous two releases: Hide & Seek and My Heart Sings. It wasn't that I thought these last two songs were depressing or negative, I just wanted the feel of the song to be musically uplifting. But then the idea occurred to me to tie in the lyrics with the approach I wanted to take with the music. So here's what happened...


I was thinking how so often I pray to God and worship him feeling unworthy and ashamed. Maybe I know I've done something that will have hurt him and think that He could never love someone like me. But the message I want to put out in this song is that God is never ashamed of us, no matter what we do. He may be disappointed and saddened, but these feelings never exceed his love for us.


Here's a little story with an amazing message:

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Most of you will be familiar with the story that Jesus told about the prodigal son who leaves his family, taking a lot of his Father's money, and squanders it all on a self-indulgent lifestyle that leaves him bankrupt and living in squalor. He knows that he has messed up, and he wants so badly to be able to go back to his family and live in the security of a loving home again. But he feels so unworthy and guilty that he prepares what he wants to say to his father in the hope that his father will take pity on him. He rehearses his line "Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son." (Luke 15:21) but when he arrives home, his father runs toward him and throws his arms around him as if nothing had ever happened. Before the son has finished his sentence, his father is already calling around his servants to prepare a meal so that they can celebrate his return!
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There's a very fine line between conviction and condemnation, and this in essence is what this song is about!


Condemnation means something completely different to conviction. Whereas conviction comes from God to nudge us in the right direction and tell us what pleases Him, condemnation does not come from God. To condemn yourself is to decide that you are past the point of being made good, from being made worthy and from being made perfect. God never condemns: "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1)


Isn't that great news?! It doesn't, of course, mean that you can do whatever you want! That would be to show complete disrespect to the amazing thing that God did when he sent his Son to die for us, so that we would be free from sin. "A freedom I could not afford, but I don't need to repay you."


So 'Eye To Eye', was written after I'd gone for a while thinking I wasn't worthy (good enough) to worship God. But according to the scripture I quote above, I am! "A spring in my step, now nothing's going to stop me from running toward the one I love, regardless of what I think, I'm good enough." In the first verse I say, "No more self-deprecation, it matters what I think..." and this is so true. I have to believe and know in my mind that God is making me perfect and constantly cleaning me up so that I can enter his presence in worship. If I don't believe that deep down, then I'm not going to be able to accept all of the amazing things that God has for me. I have to at all times see Eye To Eye with God on the matter of His unfailing love for me, and my worth to Him.


The most crucial part of this song to understand is the start of the second verse, "Forgiveness is my motivation, my inspiration to spend my life with you forever, and know you want me to." The key part of this process of coming to God knowing that we have done something that wasn't good for us, yet having him throw his arms around us, is forgiveness. As soon as God sees that we feel conviction in our hearts, he immediately forgives. 


How often do we come to God thinking that we have to do and say all of the right things to convince him to love us again? The truth is, He never stops loving us, and once we come to the realisation that we've strayed away from his presence, he's just waiting for us to run back to him!

Lyrics


You don't always want to see me begging on my knees
You'd rather see me running to you
Without dragging my heels
We won't see eye to eye when
I'm always staring down at my feet

No more self-deprecation, it matters what I think
For us to be together, one of us can't sink
Back to old philosophies - I've got to know that you love me

I lift up my eyes and see that you are smiling
Taken by what you see of me
Constantly trying my best to please
A spring in my step now nothing's going to stop me
From running toward the one I love
Regardless of what I think, I'm good enough

Forgiveness is my motivation, my inspiration to
Spend my life with you forever and know you want me to
A freedom I could not afford
But I don't need to repay you

When I'm convinced I'm unworthy, inadequacy reigns
You're thinking, "When will she just let go, and stop trying to make amends?"
It's something I could never do
I've got to know that you love me

If you couldn't see the good then why would you save me?
While I wallowed in the shame that was my own making
It was nothing that I did
It was nothing I could do
It's because you're good enough that I'm good enough for you

Space Shifting

I write this blog as I begin a new venture in a new home, a new city, and a new church. It still takes me by surprise that I've ended up here having been so at a loss as to what my future held only a few months ago. Somewhere, through all of the disorientation, I took steps and made choices that brought me here, yet all the while I was becoming less and less anxious about my future and the direction I was headed in. So here I am surprised and relocated.


Why 'Space Shifting'? I hear you ask. As I pondered writing about my move into this new chapter of my life, the phrase 'space shifting' wouldn't go out of my head. For some reason I felt this was to be the title of my next blog. So out of curiosity I went to find out if this was an actual term for something, and if so, what that 'something' was!


Space shifting is apparently a very new term that denotes the conversion of digital media (i.e. TV programmes) from one viewing format to another. Many of you will probably be regular connoisseurs of shape shifting technology, watching your favourite shows on your laptop or phone rather than the traditional television screen.


Having discovered that this term does have meaning, it struck me that these two words mean a lot to me right now in regards to my faith. I've left my friends and family for the first time and I've left my church for the first time. Despite me moving away geographically and beginning a new walk of life, I'm not really 'leaving' them all behind - my new change in course does not make me any less of a family member. My friendships remain intact! Despite me moving (the format changing) my relationships and connections to those people aren't any less real.

Space shifting applies to an even greater extent to my relationship with God. My world and environment have completely changed, I'm out of my comfort zone, I feel as though I'm a bit out of my depth. And yet, God is still streaming into my life every moment of every day. Inevitably there are times when I do feel that I'm out of touch with some of my friends and family, that somehow I'm missing out. But with God, he's right here with me where ever I go: "...For the Lord your God goes with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deut. 31:6)


My life circumstances change all of the time, there are emotional ups and downs, good stuff happens and some not so good stuff happens. Yet while circumstances change, God moves into each new situation. I find myself in a new city, but God is here - the very same God I had at home. God is transforming me all the time to become more and more like his Son. The essence of me remains the same, I'm still Deborah and I'm still unique. But the things that aren't so perfect, the things that get a bit worse for wear through life's challenges and upheavals, those things are made new and perfect. It's as though I'm one of the original TV sets with a few channels and poor reception, and gradually I'm being transformed over time into the most perfect TV set imaginable. I'm still at heart, a TV set (Debs), and I'm still being fed and sustained by the same electricity (The Holy Spirit - God) but my format is often changing.


Space shifting when viewed in this context is something that everyone experiences, but it's comforting to know that despite the impermanence and instability that the term suggests, when you know God and can recognise the move of Him in your life, it actually points to His inherently permanent and never-changing nature.

64 Years

I'm on holiday at the moment with my family, and at the sea front today my grandpa sat on a bench overlooking the beach next to a lady who had recently lost her husband of 64 years. She was lost without him, but kept saying how much she had to be thankful for - to have shared such a wonderful life with him. When she discovered that my grandpa was a church minister she opened up and expressed her delight at being able to share with somebody who had some idea of what she was going through. She had personal faith but needed encouraging and reminding of the hope that she has for her husband and for herself. 

                               This was the very same view out to sea! Beautiful.
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This is a personal side-note of mine, but I couldn't help but think that no doubt, this woman will have spent the majority of those 64 years living selflessly for her husband, making allowances and growing in patience. But she was so happy and looked back on their years together with such fondness that there was no real sense in what she was saying that she had sacrificed anything at all. It made me think how today we are encouraged by our culture to seek personal pleasure and put ourselves first in relationships, and a lot of marriages break down because the other person does not live up to the other's expectations as the years go by. Yet, despite this woman's huge loss and sense of emptiness without her husband, spending 64 years of her life with him was worth the pain she faced currently and any that she had faced in the past. What an inspiration! 

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As they continued to talk about how they were both getting older and time was slipping by, my grandpa began to share this Bible verse with her, "As thy days..." and she completed the verse with him "...so shall thy strength be."  (I was sitting close by and holding back the tears at this point...) 

The verse above in contemporary English would read a little less poetically as, "Your strength will equal your days." (Deut. 33:25) This can be read in an earthly sense as meaning the length of your life will equal the amount of strength you possess within yourself - which would make sense to most of us! So when we feel strong in ourselves, whether that be physically or emotionally, we live on to fight another day. But there's more to it than that!

This verse also has a spiritual meaning, which I believe speaks of our inward strength that is sourced from Christ within us. To perceive the spiritual truth involves flipping the verse around to the older version again: "As your days, so shall your strength be." When you invite Jesus into your life, you receive the promise of spending eternity in His presence. That's an everlasting number of days, which means: our strength is also everlasting and imperishable. We don't have to be nearing the end of our days to find hope in this verse! 


Whatever comes our way in life, we will get through it and experience better days as we realise the enormity of the strength that we possess. We can overcome any obstacle, no matter how huge, the more we grasp hold of the strength that God gives us. And we don't have to wait 'til this life is over and struggle through waiting for a brighter day. We can experience the empowering strength of God all of the time.

The lady remarked to my grandpa, "Of all the people you could have sat next to today, you chose to sit next to me." - Mere coincidence? I don't think so :)

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians: 16-18)