Hide & Seek

A week or so ago I released a song of mine called 'Hide & Seek'. I've been writing and recording pretty much instantaneously at the moment as I want my performances to be fresh out of the song-writing process :)


This particular song has a lot of lyrics (so this is a long blog!) but it shouldn't take me that long to explain what inspired them. I went through quite a long phase in my life quite recently of putting a lot of things before my relationship with God. As you will no doubt have gathered by now, this relationship is very important to me. 


It's easy to believe in God from a distance and to see him as 'The Big Guy In The Sky' - well I think so anyway. It's more challenging though, to involve him in your everyday life on an intimate level. I went too long avoiding spending time in His presence and praying with Him because I was afraid of making that commitment. It was too demanding, and I knew that in order to come to Him with an open heart I had to stop hiding things from Him that I didn't want Him to see. There were things I didn't want to let go of that I knew I needed to. And until I was prepared to put God before those things I couldn't stick around in His presence for too long. Not because He turned me away, I just knew deep inside that I wasn't being honest with Him. And as many of you will know, relationships without honesty are not close relationships!


So I would go through the motions of meeting God so that I was still 'making the effort', but I would never let Him fully into my life. Some things I was too ashamed of; others I was too attached to and didn't want to let go of. But what I can now see is that, even though I kept putting barriers up, God never walked away to leave me to it. He was always there, always with me waiting for me to respond. As if all my failings would make Him turn away from our relationship! Jesus was exposed to all of the evil in the world and God raised Him to life and welcomed Him back :) 


In one of the bridge sections of this song I say, "Me the one who's always failing, I the girl who kept you waiting, but in your eyes I haven't changed since the day we first met."


No matter what I do, God sees me as the beautiful, open-hearted person He created before the world began. So even when I hide from Him and do things my own way, His love never changes. I hope that has encouraged some of you who may feel unworthy to be a friend of God. He's always longing to meet with you :) Just stick around long enough to get to know Him properly and let go! That's what I've learnt anyway. The rewards are endless.


"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come to pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart. I will be found by you ... and bring you back from captivity." (Jeremiah 29:11-14)




Hide & Seek


I'll name the time, I'll name the place
Meet me there and don't be late
A rendezvous of the all too familiar kind

Where face to face we never meet
In this world of hide and seek
Count to ten and I'll run into midnight

My footsteps barely hit the ground
As I find the place I won't be found
Little did I know...

You would never turn away
Despite the many games I played
Running circles around the heart
That beats for me
You wanted what was truly yours
Despite the many faults and flaws
How could I not see your jealousy
You didn't hide it, you promised:

Seek and I will find you waiting
Where you've always stayed so patient
You will always be here when I get back

What drew me here to meet with you?
What made me leave? I have no clue
Time after time I would ask myself why

All that I knew was deep inside
With you the darkness became light
Ashamed of what you might see in the clarity

My pride would lead me to a fall
But you didn't stand and gloat at all
I did not know...

You would never turn away
Despite the many games I played
Running circles around the heart
That beats for me
You wanted what was truly yours
Despite the many faults and flaws
How could I not see what you could see
Each and every time you looked at:

Me, the one who's always failing
I the girl who kept you waiting
But in your eyes I haven't changed since the day we first met

I want to be found....
What was I afraid of?

You will never turn away
Despite the many games I play
Running circles around the heart
That beats for me
You wanted what was truly yours
Despite the many faults and flaws
How could I not see your jealousy
You didn't hide it, you promised:

Seek and I will find you waiting
Where you've always stayed so patient
You will always be here when I get back

The Weather

This is just a quick little blog to share a thought. It may read off like a cheesy cliché but I think it holds a lot of truth!


Today I was hoping beyond hope that my dog would decide that due to the awful weather outside he would forego his usual walk and stay indoors in the warmth instead. But no, he wanted one. So I waited until the last possible moment before venturing out, put on my raincoat and got wet! As soon I as got home afterwards, out came the sun and the rain ceased for the first time in days. Despite my despair at the weather's slightly twisted sense of humour, it reminded me of something weather-related that had happened the day before. Something a little less humiliating! 


All weekend there has been torrential rain, and driving in the car yesterday it was pouring down in bucket loads. But then to my surprise, through the window I saw a little bit of blue sky peeping out from behind the monstrous black clouds surrounding it, and my dad remarked, "You know, the sun is always shining, it's just that sometimes we can't see it." 

And of course he's right. It's a concept that's easy to understand when you take off in a plane, and as you ascend higher and higher you leave behind a stormy landscape and emerge into glorious sunshine - and the thick layer of cloud that once seemed to be so dark and threatening becomes a thin layer of black mist, miles below you. 


It's so comforting to be reminded that despite what life may look like on earth, God is still providing the light and warmth that sustains us. It's always a sunny day, except sometimes a few clouds float over and float away again - how quickly we let them deceive us into thinking the sun has lost it's strength and power! It never stops shining :)

Miss Amnesiac

With my second video going up on my YouTube channel this week I'm starting to feel a bit more like an artist again. I definitely felt more pressure uploading this one as the precedent had been set with Jericho and I was slightly concerned that people would want more of the same! But 'Miss Amnesiac' is quite different. It's a lot more relaxed and fun to play, and differs in style from my first song. :)


Once more I just want to take some time to explain what the lyrics are about. My previous blog entry 'Bubbles' actually talks a lot about what I've been learning recently. I'm just so aware that I have to keep reminding myself and being reminded of my dependency upon God and the amazing things he is doing in my life. The first verse of 'Miss Amnesiac' describes that realisation which takes place when you suddenly realise you didn't include God in your life today, you didn't talk to Him as often, you didn't take time to listen. And when you realise that, all of a sudden life seems emptier than before. 


The character Miss Amnesiac refers to the part of me that tends to forget quickly what God has done and goes its own way without looking back to God. The bridge section talks about the juxtaposition of having to keep moving forward on your journey but remembering what God has done in the past in order to do so. God is before us in the future - encouraging our every step toward him, and simultaneously he is behind us in every experience we've ever had with him - egging us on. 


I hope you enjoyed this song! And I hope if you were wondering what on earth I was talking about in the lyrics that the riddle has been solved. 


Miss Amnesiac

Who put the screen to black and white?
Why has my day turned back to night?
I don't remember saying I need a change of scene

I guess this is where the real test finds me
When the urge to look back builds up inside me
Remind me to keep my gaze ahead

It's this juxtaposition of fixing my vision
On the place that I'm called to
While having in mind the most remarkable times
That I've had in days gone by

Don't let me forget, You know just what it means to me
To know that I can find you, No matter where I am
You'll be waiting here in the moment
When I gave my heart to you
And you wrote your word upon it
So it would never slip my mind
To visit here again

Now that I've tasted and I've seen
The question is just what does this mean
I know that nothing else could ever satisfy

Don't let me lose this trail of thinking
It's the one way to keep this ship from sinking
Remind me there's so much more to see

It's this juxtaposition of fixing my vision
On the place that I'm called to
While knowing it's fine if ever doubt fills my mind
For me to run straight back to you

Never again will I start to back-track
To the acquaintance of old, Miss Amnesiac
She's gone, gone for good, farewell goodbye
It's in with the new old friend of mine

Bubbles

Well, having made my way through a whirlwind of a few months which threw me up, tossed me around and threw me back down to earth with a great thud, I'm experiencing the calm after the storm... 

As I've explained previously, I did find peace amidst the storm, but this calm is more of a feeling that somebody's pressed pause. You know, similarly to when a house alarm rings out for ages, after what feels like an eternity somebody turns it off and you can hear the silence ringing in your ears. Now that I appear to have landed on my feet and found security again, normality is creeping back in - and having prayed constantly to 'just get back to normal!' I'm now not entirely sure it's what I really wanted. 

When you're vulnerable it's very easy to hear from God and experience Him in your everyday life. You rely on Him for everything and nothing is mundane or repetitive because you can see God working in each moment of your own helplessness. So then you become reliant upon God and are lifted out of that place of insecurity, but the danger is that we start to rely on ourselves again and life isn't as exciting as it was before. Vicious circle?

Living life through hard times can seem horrible at the time, but now that I'm out of it I can see that somewhere along the line, the bubble burst. Now that I've left my fears and worries at Jesus' feet, instead of continuing to consult Him about everything and worship Him with the same passion as before, I've gotten comfortable again and self-sufficient once more. Okay I'm being a bit hard on myself here... I have come out of the storm completely changed and spiritually revitalised. But I'm just really aware that I can't afford to get complacent! 


I found myself bored the other day. This may sound ridiculous, but I actually haven't been consciously bored for weeks! And it occurred to me that when I was hurting and needing God's comfort all the time, at least I was spending every spare minute with him instead of sitting around doing nothing... 

The hardest chapter of my life was actually like living in a bubble, seeing things through the rainbow colours of its edges - floating around on the wind of the Spirit without having to carry myself. Only now that the storm has stopped has the world turned to black and white again and I'm faced with the real test that comes with pursuing God during the easier times. It's typical though isn't it? When life is treating you well you should have every reason to thank God and be joyful, yet it is one of life's hardest challenges! 

Jericho

Today was the day that I uploaded my first ever solo video on to YouTube. I had no idea what the reception would be like or if people would like my 'sound' - but so far so good! I'm looking forward to exploring this more and more :) 


In this blog I'd like to take the opportunity to share the lyrics of this song with you. If you have questions regarding their meaning/significance then I suggest you read my previous posts entitled 'Surrender' and 'More Than I Could Bear'. If you find you still have questions then leave a comment and I will try to provide answers! 


Jericho


Crawling through the desert of my own desire, 
The habitual path of this nomadic wanderer. 
Every spot of land that catches this covetous eye,
Becomes another stop on this long and dusty road.


So I build my kingdom here;
Where the walls are steep and the watch towers high. 
The prisoner of my own defenses,
Hoarding treasure that will perish to the end.


My Jericho, Jericho lies beneath me. 
That trumpet sound and my life crashed and hit the ground.
Don't be surprised to find me lying in the ruins.
Yeah, I'm battered and bruised but now there's nothing left for me to lose,
I can find my way home...


Days and years go by without a hint of resistance,
From the fast-flowing tide of my own impending fate. 
Then I see your face on a far distant horizon,
And my heart awakes to the captive I've become.


So I wave my flag in surrender.
With my own bear hands demolish what I'd made.
I could not see that despite my best efforts,
I needed help from heaven's mighty cavalry.


Send my walls tum-tumbling tum-tumble-tumbling down...
Restore my soul. 

Life by Satellite

Tonight I watched a documentary on the BBC called 'Egypt's Lost Cities' and it inspired me to write this blog post. I've always been fascinated by ancient Egypt from studying it in primary school and later through watching the amazingly awesome musical 'The Prince of Egypt' (not so historically accurate but epic nonetheless..) 


The documentary was good! It was centred around the use of satellite imagery and infra-red technology (termed, "Satellite Archeology") to search beneath the surface of the earth and uncover its archeological secrets. 

To the naked eye, the deserts of Egypt appear barren, empty spaces that support very little life and show no signs of diversity and beauty. As you can see in the image above, what the satellite images show is that beneath the layers of dust and sand is a completely different landscape, full of intricate detail and hidden signs of life.


As I contemplated what I'd seen in the film, it occured to me that too often we take things at surface value or judge by appearances. It was only yesterday in a church youth meeting that I was sharing about us being jars of clay holding the treasure of God's all-surpassing power within us. (2 Cor. 4:7) To the naked eye, we can appear to be nothing more than people who stuff up a lot and live in bodies that are corruptible and can perish. But if we looked at ourselves through God's infra-red satellite lens, we would see that we are actually the most glorious beings on the planet, filled with potential and life that tells of a different world to the one we live in.

Recently I've been understanding more and more of who I truly am to God. No matter what I think of myself, God always thinks something better of me! If I feel like a failure - God tells me I'm victorious in everything through Jesus. If I feel like I have no potential to achieve anything in life - God tells me I have amazing gifts and a purpose that are unique to me as a person.

Looking at ourselves through God's satellite lens is the most important place to start. But once we fully see beneath the surface of our self-image and find our God-image, we can then zoom out and view the whole world through this new lens. We can look at situations that in the past would have appeared to be hopeless, and all of a sudden we see beneath the surface a sign of promise and hope for a good outcome. We can look at the things we say and do and suddenly this new perspective shows us what lies beneath them, and the effect that they can have on others.


I'm convinced now more than ever that absolutely everything in the universe has a layer of sand over it (the physical) and we need to ask God to show us his infra-red view in order to understand what lies beneath it (the spiritual).That revelation only comes through the Holy Spirit, and we learn pretty quickly that in order to gaze beyond layers of sand requires the eyes of our hearts rather than the naked eye. It's a challenge - but once you ask God to show you what he sees when he looks at you and the world around you, the treasure you will find will blow your mind! Even more so than the jem of amethyst the satellite archeologist uncovered in the sands of Egypt at the climax of tonight's documentary..!

More Than I Could Bear

So many of you will be aware that since the last time I blogged a lot has changed in my life. No longer am I a guitarist in an acoustic duo. My last blog 'Surrender' will give you a certain degree of insight into the decision my band mate and I reached, so I won't go into much more detail about it. Maybe I'll shed more light on it at different times in the future. 

For now, I'd like to share what I've learned as a result of coming through this massive change in my life. To begin with, a lot of my identity and ego was bound up in my band, so I've been through a process of self-re-discovery! And I've also had to deal with the huge loss of something that was very dear to me. 

As much as I know that leaving DaViglio behind was the right decision, coming to terms with that emotionally and spiritually has been a different matter. When I say spiritually, I mean in terms of my faith and what effect losing such a huge part of my life had upon my relationship with God. Sometimes we forget to involve God in our lives, to such an extent that it gets to the point where he has to get our attention.

I've heard it said many times by other Christians that God will never let us go through more than we can bear. So I believed through most of my life (up until a few weeks ago) that I would never reach the end of myself, I would never be at a point in my life where I would feel completely lost and helpless, and unable to take any more pain. 

Well... I reached that place. And it was a place I thought God would never let me walk into. But I was there... so he must have allowed it to happen. How could this be? My faith was practically in ruins - but not completely.

How did I get out of that dark place? Well I prayed, like I've never prayed before. I cried out to my Creator, to my Father who I thought was no longer with me; how could he be when I was so lost? But I called out to him and he was there. You know, what I now know that I didn't know before is that God does sometimes let us go through things that are more than we can bear, because unless we realise that our entire existence and peace of mind rests upon him, we will never be able to thank him for his goodness. 

I was reading some devotional notes the other day and came across this verse from a book in the Bible called Hosea. 

"But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there." (2:14)

Even though I was in a wilderness, and disoriented, scared and confused; it was the only place in which I could encounter God for who he really is - My Everything. The darkness and sense of danger didn't come from God, but he let me experience it in order that I might let him save me. No longer can I go through life saving myself. When I did find him in the wilderness, I found him to be so loving, and kind and gentle that I know if I ever find myself at a similar crisis point, I can rush back to that place of intimacy and know that I'm safe. 

“There is no one like God, who rides across the heavens to help you and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." (Deut. 33:27)